Stanford fans excited to see Stanford football put in as much effort as they do
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Stanford fans excited to see Stanford football put in as much effort as they do
The Cardinal faithful are happy that their team matches their brand.
(PALO ALTO, CA) All signs are a-go. The David Shaw era has finally hit its stride.
“We’re very excited to see Stanford football really reflect the values of our school.” exclaims Douglas, seventh in the line in succession to a kingdom whose name he can’t pronounce. “Seeing a team that cares as much about winning football games as we do just makes me feel…seen!”
“Self-care is a really big thing for us at Stanford.” A Cardinal donor refused to say their name, but was happy to describe themselves as “Chief Marketing Officer.” “We have to protect our time and space when doing the work, you know what I mean? You need long periods of downtime to protect yourselves from overextending, like maybe five minutes of actual effort followed by one hour rest periods. Let someone else do the football!”
“The disinterest, the confusion, the sluggishness, it all was very in line with how we go about our days.” expressed Rob Burr Baron, heir to an S&P 500 business. “We barely care about anything that’s happening on the field, haven’t you been following the markets? This is a great time to short and the Cardinal are doing that every Saturday. Very smart to be ahead of the trends, I’m glad our football team is meeting the moment.”
“I really believe this program is moving downward at the right time,” A Stanford fan who wished not to be named (but did want to show off his electric Porsche in the parking lot) remarked. “There’s money to be made here to short the Cardinal! They’re really doing us a favor if we paid attention better. My grandfather did this to a bunch of coal miners in the midwest when he defrauded their pensions! That’s how he was able to afford my tuition, trust funds for my children, and their grandchildren! Build wealth thoughtfully.”
Baron elaborated as he worked through signing several NDAs on his Galaxy Fold, “Driving interest down is the right move, particularly if we take leads early and sell them off. If you draw too many eyes to what we’re doing the opportunity is lost!”
“Also the band keeps distracting people, so that makes it easier for no one to pay attention to the fifth time we run Wildcat.”
“If I were Stanford, we could definitely spin off parts of the football program into various shell companies.” A third-generation Cardinal senior citizen ruminated. “I don’t know if we’re there yet, but this is what I’d call a distressed asset. Then after the recession is over, we can slowly put the pieces back together. Like we don’t really need eleven on the field at the same time do we? Lend a couple out to a few developing nations this to clear the books.
He excused himself from the conversation. “Sorry, I have to take this call with my lawyer, some investors are mad at me for some reason.”
One Hoover Institute official remarked. “Quite impressive with how this once proud program trods along doing the bare minimum to compete. It’s like what [SOUTH AMERICAN NATION REDACTED] looked like after we overthrew their government and installed their local military. Regime change does leave its mark.”
Others were multitasking.
“Can’t talk, have to prep our Burning Man tent for 2023.” Five Stanford super seniors briskly walked out of the stadium at the end of the 3rd quarter. Several were actively scrolling the Zillow app for Sonoma vacation properties, while another seemed busy drafting a Linkedin article on leadership from a conversation he was having with his cat.
Some enterprising Cardinal even had some ideas about how to really keep the brand moving the right way.
“My thoughts? SHAW-Coin.” Phil, a 23-year old business major with a canned Merlot in hand, ruminated postgame. “We just get a lot of people excited in the name of David Shaw, have announcers talk him up week after week, we have the value artificially rise on its own, and then boom! Out of nowhere, punt. Classic pump and dump. I wonder how much experience Coach has with it!”
Even newer Stanford fans who aren’t thinking financially are onboard. One freshman summed it up nicely:
“So I got into Stanford and it was so much work—my dad had to take my local alum rep to two tasting menus and a whiskey bar every weekend to convince them I deserved it! But now that I’m here, I don’t really have to try any more! Why should our team? You have to be special to make it here. Protect your body and your mind.”
“That was fun!” A grad who was finishing up cutting a Tik Tok yelled at her phone. “I can drop my classes the week before finals if things aren’t going my way! So I’m glad Stanford can drop this season too and start over fresh. That’s what they did last year, right?”
Stanford fans excited to see Stanford football put in as much effort as they do
Avinash: Your writing would make The Onion proud! However, let's not bash on the trees too much. Our fan attendance has only been slightly better and Shaw has an uncanny knack for pulling out wins over Cal when he shouldn't. Football gods, pray for us.
Best snark of the season, thus far.
And, yes, mocking is coming.
*GOT Theme